thanks to Mufti Big E for today's fatwa:
I declare Fatwa against all arachnids for being too numerous of leg. Anything with that many appendages just really has to go. Fatwa against spiders for forcing involuntary "girl" noises out of me when I see them unexpectedly. Fatwa against spiders for biting my face and making me look like I have a brutal boyfriend (actually sometimes that gets me free shit so maybe we let that slide but moving on). Fatwa against spiders for being of various kinds, to where I have to start googling to figure out exactly what I'm dealing with each time I'm done squeaking. (Is this one going to run uncannily fast? Hide eerily well? Jump right at my face? bite peter parker? ) Fatwa for making ME the default exterminator in every shared household I've had because I'M the one that hates them enough to DO something about them. (Why won't those other bitches get off their asses and destroy the damned things when they see them?)
Secondarily, I declare Fatwa against all the assholes that love our arachnid buddies and want to cup them in their tender hands and walk them outside each time one is found in the home. Give me a break. Most of these people aren't even vegetarian. Or superstitious. It's showmanship and fuck that.
Mufti Dor must regretfully declare fatwa against his own father's recent email containing a half-dozen graphic images of what happens when you don't treat a brown recluse bite.
ReplyDeleteSpiders. Yeesh. I endorse this with a reservation that spiders outdoors are free to conduct their business so long as they are not of the deadly varieties. I'm looking at you, Black Widow and Brown Recluse. And tarantulas, you're on the naughty list too.
ReplyDeletebut they ARE home! when you get a piece of paper and a glass and gently escort them outside, you are evicting them, making them homeless. granted, many can squirt what amounts to a new home out their backside, but that doesn't change the fact that if they could communicate, they'd say
ReplyDelete"oh, that's great asshole, thanks for being so 'nice' where you put me in range of birds! you gonna escort the flies out too?"
I agree unreservedly with everything stated in Fatwa 13. I, too, hate being squeally-girly but do not even have the wherewithal to deal with the nasty things, making me truly a helpless female in this whole scenario. Damn spiders. Nothing needs that many f-ing legs.
ReplyDeleteAs a rider to this fatwa I will point out that Charlotte's Web portrays a spider that is sensible enough to live OUTSIDE a structure instead of inside.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Charlotte is clearly not a black widow, a brown recluse or one of those nasty giant tarantulas.
that is not clear to me.
ReplyDelete