Saturday, December 24, 2016
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Fatwa #31 on Holiday Ads: At Long Last, Have You No Shame?
[thanks to Mujtahid JB; i'm retarded and don't know how to post this as you - Dor]
You've all heard me rant about God knows what for Lord knows how long, but these commercials are getting offensive. I only see these commercials because of Sunday and Monday night football. If it wasn't for RedZone (commercial free football on Sunday afternoon) I would probably have cerebral spinal fluid leaking out of my nose.
The first group of commercials that bother me are the "Santa Suggestion" commercials. These feature some inept person who is baffled by the gift giving process and needs a fictional creation to get their loved one some crap they do not need. Santa is a marketing tool used on children. I get that. Using Santa to tell some dumbass that he needs to go to Zales, Kay's or some other shitty jewelry shop because she wants some crap necklace is insulting. Santa's most retarded elf could design better jewelry. This target audience should not be allowed anywhere near a mall.
The next group of commercials that grind my gears (wait for it) are these moronic car commercials (there it is). Santa does not drive a Benz, let alone a little red convertible one. He is not a trophy wife or a skinny, effeminate Asian guy. My parents would never drive off in my car because it is so much better and cooler than their car, no matter what I got. They would criticize me for having mailed them a key in advance so that they could drive off with the car behind my back. Actually, they would criticize me for just about anything. Then mom would make me cocoa and it'd be okay. The other bizzare car commercial features attractive women buying some d-bag lounging around her house a Lexus. I would like to know where these women hang out and explain to them that I'd be perfectly happy to quit my job, work out every day, and lounge around in a turtle neck. In the land of 5 o'clock shadows I make women walk funny and there isn't much I wouldn't do for a Lexus.
And who are the idiots who approve commercials with elves? Is there a secret underground society of little people who come out just for the holidays to milk this for all it's worth? Singing elves terrify me and I congratulate T-Mobile on helping me better visualize what hell will be like.
You've all heard me rant about God knows what for Lord knows how long, but these commercials are getting offensive. I only see these commercials because of Sunday and Monday night football. If it wasn't for RedZone (commercial free football on Sunday afternoon) I would probably have cerebral spinal fluid leaking out of my nose.
The first group of commercials that bother me are the "Santa Suggestion" commercials. These feature some inept person who is baffled by the gift giving process and needs a fictional creation to get their loved one some crap they do not need. Santa is a marketing tool used on children. I get that. Using Santa to tell some dumbass that he needs to go to Zales, Kay's or some other shitty jewelry shop because she wants some crap necklace is insulting. Santa's most retarded elf could design better jewelry. This target audience should not be allowed anywhere near a mall.
The next group of commercials that grind my gears (wait for it) are these moronic car commercials (there it is). Santa does not drive a Benz, let alone a little red convertible one. He is not a trophy wife or a skinny, effeminate Asian guy. My parents would never drive off in my car because it is so much better and cooler than their car, no matter what I got. They would criticize me for having mailed them a key in advance so that they could drive off with the car behind my back. Actually, they would criticize me for just about anything. Then mom would make me cocoa and it'd be okay. The other bizzare car commercial features attractive women buying some d-bag lounging around her house a Lexus. I would like to know where these women hang out and explain to them that I'd be perfectly happy to quit my job, work out every day, and lounge around in a turtle neck. In the land of 5 o'clock shadows I make women walk funny and there isn't much I wouldn't do for a Lexus.
And who are the idiots who approve commercials with elves? Is there a secret underground society of little people who come out just for the holidays to milk this for all it's worth? Singing elves terrify me and I congratulate T-Mobile on helping me better visualize what hell will be like.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Fatwa #30 Enough with the Angus Beef
The whole point of Angus beef in the beginning was that grass fed Black Angus was pretty tasty.
Once you decide to call your convenience store hot dogs "Angus hot dogs" you have debased the meaning beyond all recognition. This was inevitable once McDonald's started its Angus burgers.
Allow me to begin the Hereford backlash. In the interests of making sure that we don't eliminate other breeds of cattle in favor of an Angus monoculture (I'm looking at you, bananana and potato growers) I will hereby encourage a boycott of anything labelled Angus until the current craze recedes into the dustbin of fad and fashion. An exception can be made for grass fed beef that happens to be of the black angus breed. But otherwise, it's time to eat anything other than the Angus for a while to assure the continuation of other beef cattle breeds.
For my part, I will encourage the consuming of stringy Longhorn cattle.
Once you decide to call your convenience store hot dogs "Angus hot dogs" you have debased the meaning beyond all recognition. This was inevitable once McDonald's started its Angus burgers.
Allow me to begin the Hereford backlash. In the interests of making sure that we don't eliminate other breeds of cattle in favor of an Angus monoculture (I'm looking at you, bananana and potato growers) I will hereby encourage a boycott of anything labelled Angus until the current craze recedes into the dustbin of fad and fashion. An exception can be made for grass fed beef that happens to be of the black angus breed. But otherwise, it's time to eat anything other than the Angus for a while to assure the continuation of other beef cattle breeds.
For my part, I will encourage the consuming of stringy Longhorn cattle.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Fatwa #29 An Appeal to Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz al Saud
In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful
To Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz al Saud,
Some believe that there is a special hell reserved for hypocrites and liars. If so, most of humanity will no doubt deserve to end up there. It will be of no small comfort to the rest of us that you will be there with us.
This week you told the government of Syria to "stop the killing machine and the bloodshed before it is too late." I wonder if that is what you told your friend Sheikh Dickwad ibn Cowpatty of Bahrain when you sent in your own troops to help in the killing in Manama? Did you think I didn't notice? Did you think I didn't remember? No doubt the people of Hama and Homs and Deraa don't care who gets killed anywhere else and no doubt the people in Washington and Paris and London don't remember (or don't care to remember) what you and your friend were up to a few months ago. But did you think I wouldn't remember? Even if I was the last person on the earth to remember or care I would be comforted by the fact there is a judge eternal who forgets nothing.
Or when you said "stop the killing machine" did you really mean to say "conclude your killing" the way you and your little friend "concluded" the killing in Bahrain once you had done enough to put a lid on the mess? Is that what you meant, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz? You can be honest with me because I can handle honesty. Ruling a country is a dirty business. I understand you have to spend much of your time lying and spreading half-truths and diplomatic doubletalk.
But did you think you had any moral authority left to tell anyone to stop killing people?
DID YOU REALLY THINK I WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO NOT NOTICE YOUR HYPOCRISY OR CRAVEN ENOUGH TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT WHILE YOU SPOUTED SUCH NONSENSE?
Nations are inconsistent. People are hypocrites and inconsistent in their application of ideals. I do not expect much from kings and princes and emirs and presidents and ministers and bureacrats and technocrats. "Statesmen" spend much of their time lying and doubledealing. "Statesmen" can order killing with one side of their mouth while accusing others of being butchers with the other. States are dirty messy things and "statesmen" have to make dirty messy decisions full of contradictions and lies. Maybe if I was in your place I'd make some of the same choices. Maybe I wouldn't. Like I said, I don't expect much of kings. It's a dirty business, even for the best of them.
But from a Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, I expect more. You shouldn't call yourself that if you can't be the person that title entails. You can't help your friend murder someone and judge someone else for murder and call yourself a Custodian. The world could do without custodians like that.
I have said all this to you, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz, because you need to hear it. And because others are silent or ignorant. You are playing a dangerous game, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz, not because it is not prudent diplomatically, but because you have put your very soul in peril.
I am not the judge you need to worry about, nor will you find your judge in the foreign press or in the UN or Washington, London, Paris, Moscow, or even Cairo. Your judge is the one who will judge us all. And it doesn't take much more than a scratch beneath the surface to see that the killing machine you point at is only a mirror of your own machine. You should be careful with these little lies and hypocrisies, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz. I may be the only person left on this earth to notice them or to care about them. But the Lord of Creation sees everything and remembers everything. Tread lightly, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz, because one day you may have to eat all your lies written in fire on burning coals, because statesmen are judged in this world in one way, and in the next world according, perhaps to a different standard.
Repent now and beg for mercy like the rest of us. Give up your pride and your power today, because they will mean nothing to you when your time here is done and you stand before God like the rest of us. I know what I have to answer for when that time comes. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO ANSWER FOR?
I have tried to counsel you "before it is too late." I hope for your sake you will take this to heart.
Sincerely,
Seyed Mohammad ibn Abolhassan ibn Mohammad Mahdi ibn Seyed Ismail
To Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz al Saud,
Some believe that there is a special hell reserved for hypocrites and liars. If so, most of humanity will no doubt deserve to end up there. It will be of no small comfort to the rest of us that you will be there with us.
This week you told the government of Syria to "stop the killing machine and the bloodshed before it is too late." I wonder if that is what you told your friend Sheikh Dickwad ibn Cowpatty of Bahrain when you sent in your own troops to help in the killing in Manama? Did you think I didn't notice? Did you think I didn't remember? No doubt the people of Hama and Homs and Deraa don't care who gets killed anywhere else and no doubt the people in Washington and Paris and London don't remember (or don't care to remember) what you and your friend were up to a few months ago. But did you think I wouldn't remember? Even if I was the last person on the earth to remember or care I would be comforted by the fact there is a judge eternal who forgets nothing.
Or when you said "stop the killing machine" did you really mean to say "conclude your killing" the way you and your little friend "concluded" the killing in Bahrain once you had done enough to put a lid on the mess? Is that what you meant, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz? You can be honest with me because I can handle honesty. Ruling a country is a dirty business. I understand you have to spend much of your time lying and spreading half-truths and diplomatic doubletalk.
But did you think you had any moral authority left to tell anyone to stop killing people?
DID YOU REALLY THINK I WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO NOT NOTICE YOUR HYPOCRISY OR CRAVEN ENOUGH TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT WHILE YOU SPOUTED SUCH NONSENSE?
Nations are inconsistent. People are hypocrites and inconsistent in their application of ideals. I do not expect much from kings and princes and emirs and presidents and ministers and bureacrats and technocrats. "Statesmen" spend much of their time lying and doubledealing. "Statesmen" can order killing with one side of their mouth while accusing others of being butchers with the other. States are dirty messy things and "statesmen" have to make dirty messy decisions full of contradictions and lies. Maybe if I was in your place I'd make some of the same choices. Maybe I wouldn't. Like I said, I don't expect much of kings. It's a dirty business, even for the best of them.
But from a Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, I expect more. You shouldn't call yourself that if you can't be the person that title entails. You can't help your friend murder someone and judge someone else for murder and call yourself a Custodian. The world could do without custodians like that.
I have said all this to you, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz, because you need to hear it. And because others are silent or ignorant. You are playing a dangerous game, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz, not because it is not prudent diplomatically, but because you have put your very soul in peril.
I am not the judge you need to worry about, nor will you find your judge in the foreign press or in the UN or Washington, London, Paris, Moscow, or even Cairo. Your judge is the one who will judge us all. And it doesn't take much more than a scratch beneath the surface to see that the killing machine you point at is only a mirror of your own machine. You should be careful with these little lies and hypocrisies, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz. I may be the only person left on this earth to notice them or to care about them. But the Lord of Creation sees everything and remembers everything. Tread lightly, Abdullah ibn Abdul Aziz, because one day you may have to eat all your lies written in fire on burning coals, because statesmen are judged in this world in one way, and in the next world according, perhaps to a different standard.
Repent now and beg for mercy like the rest of us. Give up your pride and your power today, because they will mean nothing to you when your time here is done and you stand before God like the rest of us. I know what I have to answer for when that time comes. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO ANSWER FOR?
I have tried to counsel you "before it is too late." I hope for your sake you will take this to heart.
Sincerely,
Seyed Mohammad ibn Abolhassan ibn Mohammad Mahdi ibn Seyed Ismail
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Fatwa #28 An Appeal to Jimmy Wales
Dear Jimmy Wales,
Stop asking for money for wikipedia. Any more money to support your operation will only be supporting the continuing rule of your wikinazi clique of wikistupid wikieditors who target everything for deletion except the asinine things that should be deleted.
Here's an idea, Jimmy. You go out and get a real job flipping burgers at the Burger Hut and then contribute some more of your own money to keep the operation going. Encourage your other pale male wikijerkoff editors to get out of that basement in Amsterdam and clean toilets for a living and contribute to the upkeep also. Maybe then they'll have something better to do than to sit around all day and fuss with wikipedia and leave it open for the rest of us to contribute something without your wikidiots constantly mobbing it with their inconsistent rules and wikidickish attitude.
I'll say it again, Mr. Wales. Tell your wikicrew to go out in the non-wiki world and get real jobs and stop begging the rest of us for money.
As for everyone else, I encourage you to save the money you would have thought about spending on wikipedia and do something else with it. Give it to a complete stranger on the street and say "Have a nice day." That would be a better form of charity than to give money to support the Jimmy Wales wikinerds. Let them seek their funding from the corporations that pay people to do friendly edits that the independent mook can never fix because the wikifascists are too busy probing for the notability of the corrections. Notabilize THIS.
Stop asking for money for wikipedia. Any more money to support your operation will only be supporting the continuing rule of your wikinazi clique of wikistupid wikieditors who target everything for deletion except the asinine things that should be deleted.
Here's an idea, Jimmy. You go out and get a real job flipping burgers at the Burger Hut and then contribute some more of your own money to keep the operation going. Encourage your other pale male wikijerkoff editors to get out of that basement in Amsterdam and clean toilets for a living and contribute to the upkeep also. Maybe then they'll have something better to do than to sit around all day and fuss with wikipedia and leave it open for the rest of us to contribute something without your wikidiots constantly mobbing it with their inconsistent rules and wikidickish attitude.
I'll say it again, Mr. Wales. Tell your wikicrew to go out in the non-wiki world and get real jobs and stop begging the rest of us for money.
As for everyone else, I encourage you to save the money you would have thought about spending on wikipedia and do something else with it. Give it to a complete stranger on the street and say "Have a nice day." That would be a better form of charity than to give money to support the Jimmy Wales wikinerds. Let them seek their funding from the corporations that pay people to do friendly edits that the independent mook can never fix because the wikifascists are too busy probing for the notability of the corrections. Notabilize THIS.
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