Guest Fatwa #16: More on Sunni LaBeouf

today's guest fatwa is a follow-up to fatwa #12, courtesy of our friend Mujtahid JB. preceding it in italics is the news item that prompted the ruling.

Harrison Ford has branded his Indiana Jones co-star Shia LaBeouf an "idiot" for publicly slamming the latest film in the franchise.
The pair worked together on 2008's Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, the follow-up to the adventurer's third outing in 1989.
The blockbuster was a box office hit, grossing nearly $800 million worldwide, but it received mixed reviews from critics and fans.
And following its release, LaBeouf admitted he was disappointed with the revival, insisting he had "dropped the ball" and let devotees down.
Last year, he said, "I feel like I dropped the ball on the legacy that people loved and cherished... You can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on (director) Steven (Spielberg). But the actor's job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn't do it..."
And LaBeouf even claimed Ford agreed with him, adding, "We (Ford and LaBeouf) had major discussions. He wasn't happy with it either."
But now Ford has spoken out about the remarks, calling his co-star a "f**king idiot" for turning against the movie.
He tells Details magazine, "I think he was a f**king idiot. As an actor, I think it's my obligation to support the film without making a complete a** of myself. Shia is ambitious, attentive, and talented - and he's learning how to deal with a situation which is very unique and difficult."


You know, I don't even know where to begin with these assholes. Shia is a moron who couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. He's worse than shit, he's a skid mark across the soiled lacy white panties that is Hollywood. Here's a few little facts courtesy of IMDB:
1. His French-Cajun father, Jeffrey LaBeouf, was a clown from San Francisco who spent time in France studying commedia dell'arte.
2. As a child, he and his parents would dress up like clowns and sell hot dogs in the park across the street from their apartment.
3. His brilliant opinion on "talent": "Talent is funny, I've always looked at talent like what the hell does talent really mean? Talent is to actors what luck is to card players. It's not really anything, it's just a fictitious word that people have created and labeled things. Talent is like you know I never really believed in talent, I believed in drive and determination and preparation but talent is sort of like luck. I wouldn't want to think of myself as talented it doesn't seem like there's any validity in that. I like to think of myself as an ordinary man with extra ordinary determination. That's it".

Yes, that's right. Soak that one in deep and cherish it. How deranged do you have to be to say shit like that?

I am a whore...I get paid by the hour to perform a task/provide a service for a client with what God, genetics, parenting and 25 years of private education gave me. I don't always like it but for the most part I love it so I bend over backwards because shit costs money. This fucking bimbo is too stupid and spineless to be a whore. He's an ass flavored never-ending gobstopper for people's eyes and ears to chew on until they can stomach no more. I have to wonder if Speilberg thought "Wow, someone less talented than my current wife !" and decided to run with it...oh, wait, talent doesn't exist. It's like luck. Talent is a fucking fiction. Talent is make believe and has nothing to do with acting skill.  I would love to see this little bastard take a crack at Mamet on Broadway.

What disgusts me most about all this is that next to this moron Megan Fox is looking like she has some fucking integrity.

Harrison Ford? This is why some celebrities should die young. If he'd OD'ed or hit a mountain in his plane right after Blade Runner he would have been Heath Ledger before Heath Ledger. He could have gotten an Oscar for Empire and been left as an ice cube, no Ewok hump-fest for Han. But no, some people don't burn the candle at both ends. They just grow old and suck hard.

I need a fucking cigarette. 

Fatwa #15 Room Temperature

Wherever you are and whoever you are stop saying "room temperature" as if that means anything.
There are places, such as here in Texas, where in the absence of air conditioning "room temperature" would resemble the temperature inside a convection oven. Contrarily, I have lived in places where you can leave a popsicle sitting on a counter overnight and wake up to a delightful frozen treat for breakfast. Room temperature means nothing. Just come up with a decent temperature range to describe what you need to describe and be done with it.

Fatwa #14 Ranch is for Losers

McDonald's, in a move presumably designed to get hipsters interested in them again, has decided to introduce a new line-up of sauces for those wretched McNuggets.
Honestly, this wouldn't matter to me. Introduce all the new sauces you want, start making the McNuggets out of horsemeat, I don't really care. But did they really have to get rid of the Hot Mustard sauce? Was that seventh sauce really going to drive them bankrupt? Did they really need Ranch? Ranch is a salad dressing. The only reason it can be tolerated with buffalo wings is because just asking for stick of butter to go with them seems excessive (and maybe a bit too obvious.)
Here's the deal. I would on occasion get a package of McNuggets and suffer through them in order to get an extra package of Hot Mustard for my stockpile. You know what goes really well with that Hot Mustard sauce? The nuggets from Chick Fil A.
Well, truth be told I don't really need that sauce to enjoy a treat from Chick Fil A. It was just a little bonus taste.
As for the new sauces from McDonald's: I hereby declare them boycotted until they either bring back the Hot Mustard or someone else gets wise and picks up the sauce slack. I have consumed my last crappy McNugget and so should you.

Guest Fatwa #13 on the Children of Anansi

thanks to Mufti Big E for today's fatwa:


I declare Fatwa against all arachnids for being too numerous of leg. Anything with that many appendages just really has to go. Fatwa against spiders for forcing involuntary "girl" noises out of me when I see them unexpectedly. Fatwa against spiders for biting my face and making me look like I have a brutal boyfriend (actually sometimes that gets me free shit so maybe we let that slide but moving on). Fatwa against spiders for being of various kinds, to where I have to start googling to figure out exactly what I'm dealing with each time I'm done squeaking. (Is this one going to run uncannily fast? Hide eerily well? Jump right at my face? bite peter parker? ) Fatwa for making ME the default exterminator in every shared household I've had because I'M the one that hates them enough to DO something about them. (Why won't those other bitches get off their asses and destroy the damned things when they see them?) 

Secondarily, I declare Fatwa against all the assholes that love our arachnid buddies and want to cup them in their tender hands and walk them outside each time one is found in the home. Give me a break. Most of these people aren't even vegetarian. Or superstitious. It's showmanship and fuck that.

Fatwa #12 Pro Megan Fox

This fatwa is specifically addressed to anyone who is thinking of seeing the upcoming Transformers "movie." Don't. If you want to see blurry mechanical things just wave a clock in front of your face for a while.

The other reason to avoid this "film" is because of the singular smear campaign mounted by the producers of this piece of garbage against Megan Fox simply because she compared Michael Bay to Napoleon...and also to Hitler, but I suspect you could have also compared him to any of a number of other controlling personalities in charge of large projects but with juvenile sensibilities. You know, someone like Michael Bay. The point is he and his minions have decided to use their promotional time to pile on and insult someone who wasn't entirely happy with her experience as a pointless meat prop for a piece of crap film. This would not normally require any sort of ruling of this sort, but the ultimate line was from the "star" of these "films" Shia LaBeouf who has said that Megan Fox was "sh-t talking our captain." See, you had me until you called him your CAPTAIN. If Michael Bay is your captain, then you are on the wrong ship to begin with. You're on a U-Boat from hell. U-SUCK. Mr. LaBeouf, not content with stinking up the screen as Mutt Williams in that horrid piece of mentally challenged filth Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, is now following marching orders from his "captain" to pour on the insults in the direction of Megan Fox. If all you're going to do is pledge blind obedience to the master of your paycheck, then do us all the favor of changing your name to Sunni LaBeouf you mindless yes-man robot. From now on I'm telling people that it was Ben Savage in Constantine and not you.

Ms. Fox can no doubt handle herself with some degree of dignity, while her whiny ex-boss claims that the great Spielberg himself ordered/suggested that he fire her. Is it bad for business if your employees go public with what a jerk you are? Sure. But it should be worse for business if you don't have the dignity to let it go once it's done and you've moved on instead of choosing to promote your new turd with a barrage of character assasination that seems so suspiciously orchestrated that it is...well, like some sort of fascist/communist coup attempt.
Yeah. Go back to your captain and tell him I said that.

And for the rest of you. If you find yourself for whatever point of curiosity wanting to go see Transformers please do so only after buying a ticket for another film. Any other film. Even if it has Jennifer Aniston in it.

Breezy Summer Fatwa #11 for the Jaws of Shai Hulud

i must affirm as the Tleilaxu do: the sun is not my God.
i can say "God," but that is not my god.
like "sun," it is only a word.

it's necessary for me to remind myself, because where Mufti Dor llives in the american southwest, The Sun is a merciless bastard who winnows out the weak and corrupt. harrows my soul and makes me stronger, purging toxins and confusion in its' fiery maw.

satan's balls, it's hot out there lately.

years ago i was living in austin, driving around in an accura with no a.c.
this commercial for sol cerveza kept coming on the radio:
"Hi, it's me, El Sol" said a mexican-accented voice, as rivers of stinging sweat coursed my face, leaving a salt-crystal tide line like i was a fucking rocky beach in greece; "hi," El Sol would say...
"hot out heere, eesn't it?"

yes, you cruel bastard, it is. the jaws of Shai Hulud are upon me. i will perish or be reforged.

but, it is only the mouth, not Shai Hulud Himself, and we do not worship but show respect with its' true name:
Jaws of Shai Hulud, Mouth of Judgement!
bilal al-kaifa!

phew!
Mufti Dor's gonna go lie down for a...maybe some gatorade...

beware the Jaws of Shai Hulud!
long live the fedaykin!
past 10, His breath still warms the air...
sorry, feeling a little...

[Mufti Dor passes out]

Fatwa #10 BC, BS, Whatever...

Consider this a sidenote to Fatwa #9

On the question of calendars:

BCE is stupid.
CE is even more stupid.
It pains me to side with the kind of rank ignorant "politically incorrect" people who rise up against BCE and CE in favor of BC and AD, because I do not share their regressive reasons for disliking the neo-terminology that much of academia has attempted to pass off as being more equitable to people who are not Christians.
The fact that it has sparked a backlash from people who are obsessed with seeing themselves as oppressed despite their longstanding dominance does not change the essential problem with the new formulation. If you really think about it, the notion of referring to the obviously Christian BC/AD dating system as a "Common Era" is more patently offensive to non-Christians, because it essentially cements the idea of Christian cultural dominance by referring to the Christian dating system as being "common" to all cultures. It's a good thing the regressive movements of Christian thought haven't quite understood this otherwise they might really get on board the whole foisting the "common era" on everyone. Instead, they are obsessed with making sure they retain the "year of our lord" and "before Christ".
On the other hand, they are quite right in retaining the old terminology because at least it's honest about what it is. If I started trying to convince people that we should use hijri dates and just call it "the common era" I would hope for a similar coalition of diametric opposites would align to consign such terminology to the dustbin. You should call a thing what it is instead of trying to disguise it as something it isn't.
There is no such meat as "long pork" and there is no such thing as a "common era". Many graves can attest to the fact that people on every side of this issue deny the very notion of a common era. And it seems also illogical for the idea of a "common era" to emanate from quarters that use the new terminology on the behalf of diversity. Isn't it more sensitive to cultural diversity to acknowledge that different cultures use different calendars?

Ah, but I can already hear Mufti Dor berating me for exercising this kind of "politically incorrect" polemic, and I will admit that it is with extreme distaste that I pick up this cudgel because I know where it's been and what else it's used for as Fatwa #9 clearly demonstrates. So, I will leave it at this: I may dislike the people who share my opinion on this, but I believe there are sound logical reasons why BCE and CE should be dispensed with in favor of the more traditional BC and AD designations. Of course, for those of us who also use the Jewish, AHL and AHS calendars it means very little to have to call it BC or AD. It is just another dating system that we have to keep track of.
On that note, I believe the heat of Thermidor is already approaching and I must draw the shades.

Fatwa #9 on the Politically Incorrect

in a way, this post is a necro, past its' date, in that people don't use the terms "P.C." or "un-P.C." that much anymore. they are, however, embedded in the language now, and have had ripple effects that need addressing. and, in places like missouri and alabama, you'll still hear them tossed around quite a bit. but more on that later.

a long time ago, shortly after your intrepid Mufti had graduated high school, either time or newsweek had a cover story with the headline "Political Correctness." i'd never seen any of what they described firsthand, but i came to know it later: professors who mangled grammar suggesting we use "they" instead of "him" or her," excessive militant insistence on "C.E." instead of "A.D. ," and many things much sillier still.

so the fuck what?

Mufti WMR has some reservations about my position here, for good reason: he spent a lot longer in the ivory tower - still works there occasionally - and saw far greater depths of stupid than i was ever privy to. if he is feeling kind, perhaps Mufti WMR might post an attachment with his groundbreaking study in institutional circle-jerking entitled "What is Cultural Studies?"

but again, so the fuck what. as irritating as they are, the tyrants of the sociology and english and cultural anthropology departments never wielded that much power, and it was always a little suspicious to me how the people complaining loudest about political correctness seemed the least likely to have much contact with those departments....rednecks, for example. they love to complain about this stuff.  especially if they've had daughters, and the daughters have reached primary launch stage for rebellion. you remember a lot of future teabaggers in your freshman religious studies class, do ya? not so many, but their sons and daughters abound.

when i was taking cognitive psych i don't remember a lot of part-time septic techs having a problem with the pronouns. and you know what? i don't doubt rednecks can and do succeed in academia...i just don't believe that by the time they do, they care anymore about that idiot dedicating his life to proving Lincoln was gay. it's just trivial, and they have shit to get done.

nearly two decades after i first heard the term "Poltically Incorrect", it is now worn as a badge of honor by everyone who uses it. whatever excesses i saw, no one ever asked me to be MORE politically correct. always less. and what do they mean by that?

ruder.

more dickish. an asshole. every ignorant loss mechanism with the power of speech has boldly told at least one person exactly what a giant prick he is with a sentence that started "Maybe it's politically incorrect, but..."

that's a great phrase, isn't it? when you hear it - and i bet you have, reader - does it precede a thoughtful debunking of long-cherished bromides and empty rhetoric, followed by useful observations and analysis? or is it more like the experience i've had (more than once, now!), where

"maybe it's politically incorrect, but..."

preceded something like "...but that nigger president is trying to sell us to china ?"

i now believe that no one but an asshole ever complained about this toothless problem, and that the term "politically incorrect" was coined by people who were trying to make us use more syllables than "dick" when describing them, on the theory we'd give up and  go watch leno.

well, maybe it's politically incorrect of me, but these chaw-chomping inbred bible-thumping functionally illiterate angry okies can tongue-swab my balls. i'm sorry they were raised wrong,  but not so damn sorry i'm gonna keep nodding or smiling when they fantasize about some old jewish medieval lit professor threatening their way of life. with what, the turkey sandwich in his briefcase?

it's not about their way of life, anyway. for the people who are really worked up about all that which is p.c., what it's really about is how clueless and stunned they were when those daughters i mentioned asked them "what's wrong with being gay?" or "why do you act that way around mexicans ?"

i suppose if he wants to, i'd give my colleague a pass. if Mufti WMR wants to complain about political correctness, he gets to, because as a student in multiple graduate programs, it AFFECTED HIM PERSONALLY. everyone else can shut up. it doesn't concern you.

and i don't wanna hear any of that "you didn't stop them when they came for the gays or the gypsies" shit, either. people who whine about the p.c. code ARE THE ONES GOING AFTER THE GAYS AND GYPSIES. that right there should tell you everything you need to know about the phrase...basically, it's the dressed-up, five-dolla version of phrases like "reverse racism."

anyway, i'm willing to put myself on the line here: if the Bolivian Interdisciplinary Cultural Composition Department and Hacky Sack League shows up at your house with the long knives, i'll defend you.

i'm pretty sure i can take them. i mean, half of them are obviously stoned.

in the meantime, do not use this term, or tolerate its' use. the people who call themselves politically incorrect are really just assholes. it's a shorter word, and it explains the smell.

Fatwa #8 Toddlers and Tiaras

I'm trying to watch an episode of White Collar and it keeps getting interrupted by promos for something called Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC. I made the mistake of being in a room where someone was watching Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood or some such thing which featured a whole segment about this show. Do I really have to say this? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

While I deplore the notion of judging something without reading it or based on scanty evidence I also don't actually need to see www.sorority-slut-snuff-porn.com to deliver an opinion against it.
And so, when it comes to this "show" all I can say is that while I have no knowledge of the judgment awaiting the perpretrators of this hate crime against civilization in the next world, but in this world I urge everyone to shun these monstrosities.

Fatwa #7 Rare Steaks Are A Symbol of the Decline of Civilization

The first thing that primitive humankind did with fire was use it to cook meat.
They didn't sear it briefly to preserve the juices and then eat it mostly raw.
They likely charred that meat so badly that the first few times they were eating bison flavored coal.
Animals that eat raw meat live shorter lives than animals that cook their meat. They also have really bad breath compared to the pleasant mesquite aroma that comes from eating meat that has been properly cooked.
The rare steak is a fraud perpretrated on consumers by lazy cooks who are too afraid to meet the challenge of the medium well steak, which is to say a perfectly cooked cut of meat--one that is still juicy but not uncooked. It is difficult to achieve a perfect medium well without some degree of luck. For this reason, a truly generous consumer will be forgiving of a medium well steak if it errs slightly in one direction or another, because either way a good faith effort has been made and thus there is never a need to send it back. But a rare steak? If you want to eat uncooked meat you shouldn't have to pay someone to lightly grill it for you. You can do that on the manifold of your car out in the parking lot for a few seconds if that's what you want.
Rare? They should call it COMMON, because uncooked is a more common state for meat than cooked properly and because uncooked meat is the kind that any large carnivore could eat directly on the hoof from a wildebeest that isn't even fully dead yet.
Eating uncooked meat and pretending that it's the right way to do it is like crapping in your lawn and saying that it's the natural way. It's uncivilized and that word should still mean something to people.

Fatwa #6 on Fatwa #5

yeah...sorry about that last fatwa.

i was up all night, hanging out with carnies and snorting non-dairy creamer...&#*@, man. don't know what i was thinking.

you have a right to expect a certain gravitas and dignity from your Mufti, and, um...

well, again, sorry.

'm goin' back to bed.

[hacking cough]

Fatwa #5 on Ya Ugly Fat Mama

you heard me. fatwa!

why? 'cause ya mama so fat her ass ain't got a crack, 'sgot a fault line.

geologists call it the "stankduction zone."

mary's anus trench.

ya mama so ugly when she was born, the doctor slapped ya grandmama.

and then shot himself.

wassup?

what, you got a problem with this fatwa? well why don't you do somethin'?

huh? huh?

yeah, i thought not.

Mufti Dor out.

Fatwa #4 on Munich and Appeasement

People should stop mentioning Munich or "appeasement" every time a new conflict rolls around as if that should automatically end any argument.
The reason you need to stop is because appeasement didn't start with Munich.
APPEASEMENT STARTED AT MADRID. Did you hear that, you stupid sheep? MADRID. SPAIN. I'm putting it in all caps so you bleating morons can begin to understand.
APPEASEMENT BEGAN WHEN THE FREE WORLD STOOD BY AND LET HITLER AND MUSSOLINI SEND "VOLUNTEERS" IN "VOLUNTEER" STUKAS AND MESSERSCHMITTS TO BOMB SPAIN.
Why did the free world do that? Because Spanish Fascists (and by extension their Italian and German sponsors) were less scary to us than Spanish Communists (and by extension their Soviet Russian sponsors.)
Why did the free world believe that? Because politics and national interests are a dirty business and full of inconsistencies.
IF WE HAD STOOD UP TO FASCISM IN SPAIN THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A NEED FOR MUNICH.
But then we wouldn't have had the satisfaction of watching the Nazis and Communists butcher each other on the Eastern front for four years grinding the strength out of each other.
Like I said, it's a dirty business.
WE DIDN'T FIGHT A WAR AGAINST FASCISM, WE JUST FOUGHT THE FASCISTS WHO MADE THE MISTAKE OF PICKING A FIGHT WITH US.
If the "Greatest Generation" had grasped this lesson at any point in the course of their lives we could have made a lot of smarter choices afterward, but instead they just learned to say "Munich" and "appeasement" as if they knew a damned thing about what they were talking about.
If they thought about it for a second they might even think that appeasement started in Ethiopia, where the "free world" decided to stand aside as a tin pot with a funny hat shot his way into the last unclaimed corner of colonized Africa. And guess why the free world decided to let Ethiopia take it? Because being a global power is a dirty business. Because in 1936 letting other Africans watch Ethiopians fight for their independence seemed like a dangerous idea, sort of like communism in Spain.

Diplomacy is a dirty business. Don't try talking about it unless you understand it. And don't use words like "Munich" and "appeasement" as if you really mean them, because nobody who actually has to run a country has the luxury of believing in nonsense like that. Time for the rest of you to get a little brighter, too. Stop repeating stupid slogans. I will no longer appease you people by letting you mention Munich and appeasement. I'm taking my stand here with this fatwa.

Fatwa #3 on Jon Stewart and the Idolatrous Daily Show

my qualifications as mufti: i was a devoted Daily Show follower from the den of our house senior year. ah, the smarm, the bite, the snarling snit of a show not afraid you might miss the joke. a towering parody of a thing that, when the show started, still existed: american journalism. and how was such a perfect thing crafted? by making us, the somnambulant public, the butt of the joke. to this end, the writer/producer of the show employed the douchiest wannabe-class-president windbag she could find: craig killborn. he gave a pitch-perfect performance as a vapid news reader oblivious to the irony coming out of his own mouth, only a slight exaggeration of the talking heads already dominating the trade. he gave this performance not because he was a talented comedian, like jon stewart, but because he really was such a douche: before coming to the daily show, he was a sportscaster in san antonio.

Mufti WMR and i once had the pleasure of seeing the funniest play ever put on a stage. it was called "The Amateurs," and was about a cast of minimally talented, very amateur actors at a community college putting on a play. in a masterstroke of casting, the actors playing these parts were actually chosen from such a community college. in a further masterstroke, so were the director, scene designer, and stage builders. to give an example: one scene called for an actor to soliloquize while looking out a window, so the set builders actually constructed a frame version of said window in the direction he was to speechify...middle of downstage, right in front of the audience. they actually built the fourth wall! get it? because they're amateurs! the act was so complete that, even today, neither Mufti WMR or myself is completely sure if we were watching a work of genius, or just the happy accident of a bunch of amateurs putting on "The Amateurs." or if the distinction is even meaningful.

in terms of its' sense of humor, this was the Daily Show. but killborn, being a douche, left to host the super-late-late-i-hope-conan-gets-bumped-up-so-i-can-have-his-slot show, and the daily show replaced him with a far more talented comedian: jon stewart. that's why it's called "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart." he wanted you to know he wasn't just going to plug himself in where killborn had been. "5 questions" was phased out, "moment of zen" became less funny, and the show began to lose its' sting.

to be clear, i am not arguing that killborn was more talented or brighter, at all. he wasn't. but the show was funnier then, because it didn't care if you laughed. that's something comedians care about. the daily show then was more like that "Abortionplex" article in the Onion, that got forwarded all over the internet by idiots who believed there really was an abortion megaplex with multiple theatre screens, a latte bar, and sushi. that sort of absurdity is half the fun of a joke like that. it still happens occasionally with the daily show, that a joke gets mistaken for a real news item, but less than it used to...and even that seems mostly to do with the chinese press' longstanding problem obtaining weapons-grade ironium.

as mufti, it is my duty to safeguard the growth and spiritual well-being of the people (you idiots) in my care. in the old days, the Daily Show was a vicious, snarky show where guests would actually beg to be treated nicely...and get denied, every time. like the Onion, it was so sharp it made you cry. which, if you are going to make jokes about the corporate sellout of our democracy or the hijacking of our foreign policy or the wholesale abandonment of the rule of law, is the appropriate reaction. you should laugh, and then cry...and then be really, really, angry.

but stewart waters down that anger. he mugs, he does impressions, he tells a few nun jokes. worse, he makes phony comparisons between corporate whores and psycopaths and the spineless so-called "liberals" supposedly guilty of equal, but diametrically opposed, craziness. they aren't, of course. it's just that introducing the idea that one, pretty-well-defined, group is consistently fucking people over might kill the mood, create some moments of awkward tension between the laughs. pretending there's some kind of balance involved is good for the act.

however much we like jon stewart, however gifted he is, the appropriate reaction is not, "oooh, burn! i'd love to see what glenn beck thinks of THAT! hah!" the appropriate reaction involves a fair amount of anger that is NOT diluted at all by our enjoyment of the joke. sometimes, we do indeed need to laugh, or we'll be overwhelmed. but, if you don't have to choose between them, you should do both. laugh and cry. and then get angry, and then do something. as your Mufti, it is my duty to remind you that if you don't, you're not laughing at the joke.

you are the joke.

fatwa against the daily show with jon stewart. bring back the Daily Show.

Fatwa #2 on Hipster Food Adjectives

"Mouth-feel" is not a word. Stop using it. The word you're looking for is "texture." It's a good word. Use it. Better yet, nobody needs to hear anyone describing the texture of cheese. If you want to let me taste the cheese, I will figure that out. Otherwise, I don't care what the texture of the cheese is.

All wine tastes like grapes. If you think it smells like strawberries, then you either have never smelled a strawberry or you don't know what grapes smell like. Strawberries never smell like grapes and you will note that nobody pays over thirty dollars for a bottle of anything made out of strawberries to describe how it smells like something other than strawberries because that would be so incredibly stupid that even imbecile hipsters haven't started doing that. Wine tastes like fermented grapes. The alcohol is numbing your taste buds and causing the wiring in there to go a little haywire sending mixed signals to your brain such as "this grape juice tastes like nuts and berries" and "that person over there looks much prettier now than fifteen minutes ago" or "Will Ferrell is funny." The texture of wine is liquid. It has no "mouth-feel."

It is the opinion of this jurist that while freedom of speech is paramount in keeping free will and expression (which is necessary for true faith) it is preferable to dispense with such hipster food adjective language. While this fatwa does not ban the use of such language, the world would be a better place without it and as such I will issue a strong rebuke to discourage the use of it.

Fatwa #1 on Homo Sapiens Sapiens

we had a good run, came up with incandescent bulbs and internal combustion engines and vibrating condoms, but it's time. yes, michael caine, some people just wanna light a match and watch the world burn...and some people wanna mouth moral platitudes while we continue stacking up humanity on top of itself like the porn pyramid at abu ghraib.

that's just not gonna cut it. and it's no use trying to simply reduce our numbers, since any selective culling amounts to genocide, and that's a hate crime. well, i'm no bigot; i brought enough for everyone.

in the interest of full disclosure: yes, i do believe i will be able to survive on the fragmented chunk of our demolished earth as it spins away from the orbital ecliptic into space...with a little help from my friends. my meaty, nutritious friends. but even if i don't, the thing still needs doin'.

it's a bypass. gotta build bypasses. anyway, through the use of a quantum tunneling field-directed magic 8 ball, i know who's going to be replacing us.
and trust me, hyperintelligent badgers don't share.