Fatwa #25 Recreational Bicycling

It's a work day and it's around 10am or 4pm and if you're in full spandex and bicycle helmet regalia going for a recreational bit of exercise and I can only wonder WHY YOU AREN'T AT WORK, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING LEECH ON SOCIETY! That's right, it would be one thing if I thought you were getting on that bike to go get some groceries or were headed to work on that thing. But you're clearly not going to a place so much as enjoying yourself on a bicycle and TAKING UP A LANE OF AUTO TRAFFIC IN THE PROCESS, and before you get environmentalist on my ass let me remind you that you and your bike are getting in the way of people who are coming and going to and from real jobs that don't come with time off to go riding around you and your friends in a pack like it's the TOUR DE TEJAS. You know where you can stick that bicycle. And because this is the hill country I'm going to apportion some of the blame for you and your "recreation" to that ONE-BALLED CHEATING JACKHOLE Lance Armstrong, though the real blame goes to you for wanting to be as cool as the ONE-BALLED CHEATING JACKHOLE who gave Sheryl Crow cancer. (While it hasn't been proven that he gave Sheryl Crow cancer it also hasn't been definitively ruled out.)

So, here's the thing, recreational biker. How about you put a basket on that bike and use it for a real purpose instead of using your $300,000 SUV to haul your bike around to cool places where you want to bike DURING THE WORK WEEK? Why don't you put away the spandex and get off the INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM so those of us who need to drive to get to work don't have to dodge you and your whole pack of friends?

You know where you can stick that bicycle and that helmet if you don't get off the rural routes and the highways and the access roads. Recreational equestrian riders, you are officially given a pass, because you are taking care of a fine and noble creature and if you want to clop along I-10 on a Tuesday morning you are more than welcome to do it. Bicyclists, you are not welcome. Either get enough money to get a horse, or put away the spandex and get to work.